Lord of the Merchandise
by Esmerelda the Elf-Girl
Summary: Ok, just read this wacky dopey little fic! The Fellowship finds lotr merchandise!!! it's tacky, it's freaky...they must go on another quest to destroy this new materialistic evil! Come on, you KNOW you want to... *freaky hynotic powers*
1. Mama Vanwe's Anduin Motel

Hello, all! Today we're going to see if I have gotten over a huge blob of writer's block yet…this'll probably suck, but at least I finally thought of something NEW to write. We'll just see how it goes. I'm too lazy to try to think of some clever, sarcastic disclaimer right now. You can use your own wonderfully vivid imagination…ooh, and please don't forget to review. Pplleeaassee??? I know that was pathetic, but I thrive on me groovy reviews….Enjoy! (Or at least try your hardest…)  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Lord of the Rings II: Lord of the Merchandise  
  
After saving the Free-Peoples of the world from the Dark Lord Sauron, the Fellowship of the Ring decided to take it easy for a while. Really, they deserved some serious vacation time. At the present moment the eight of them that remained living were reclining on a tiny strip of sandy beach beside the Anduin River, in the middle of the Brown Lands. It was Legolas' fault really. Aragorn had suggested vacationing on the sunny white sand beaches at the Bay of Belfalas, where the palm-trees swayed on the warm breeze and you could get all the free miruvor you wanted at the swim-up bar. Unfortunately, Legolas had reminded them that he couldn't go--didn't anyone remember that poem Galadriel had sent him?  
  
"Legolas Greenleaf long under tree  
  
In joy hast thou lived, beware of the Sea!  
  
If thou hearest the cry of the gull on the shore,  
  
Thy heart shall then rest in the forest no more."  
  
If they went to the Bay of Belfalas, his ancient Sea-longing would be awakened and he would have no choice but to either go to the West or remain forever by the Bay, pining for the Sea. (Aragorn had snapped that he could really think of worse fates than spending eternity at a gorgeous all- inclusive resort and then eventually sailing off to Paradise.)  
  
Nevertheless, Legolas had refused to go to Belfalas, and seeing as no Fellowship-Reunion-Vacation would be complete without him, they had finally just decided to go to the Brown Lands and stay at some motel by the lovely Anduin River. How bad could it be? At least they'd all be together, and besides, it would probably be a lot cheaper than Belfalas. So there they were, out behind "Mama Vanwe's Anduin Motel", attempting to get something of a tan by the banks of the great river. "Master Legolas, would you kindly put some sunscreen on my back?" Asked Gimli, rolling over on his beach towel. The Elf took one look at the Dwarf's hairy back and got to his feet quickly.  
  
"Actually Master Dwarf, I was just about to, um, go…use the bathroom!" He hurried off, leaving the others to deal with the question of applying sunscreen to Gimli's back. Legolas ducked inside the shady the motel's office, blinking at the stark contrast between dark and light. Behind the desk stood the surly middle-aged Elf known as Mama Vanwe to the travelers that wandered through her little motel. "What d'ya need, toots?" she rasped, in her gruff but maternal voice.  
  
"Um, I was just, um, going up to my room for a minute, ma'am," Legolas stammered. Mama Vanwe had a way of making even the noblest, most valiant Elves like poor Lego nervous.  
  
She raised a many-times shaved eyebrow. "Yeah, knock yourself out, hon."  
  
Legolas smiled weakly and proceeded to his room that he was being forced to share with Gimli. Aragorn (the brave soul) was rooming with Gandalf. Each room had the double bed and a couch for the other, unluckier of the two. The four Hobbits shared a room as well. Sure, it wasn't the ideal arrangement, but they were on sort of a tight budget. Besides, the Hobbits were small, and you could shove two of 'em in one bed, seeing as they were all very mature and had gotten out of the "ooooh that is like soooo gay" stage of their lives. Our good Elf unlocked the door to room #214 (Now I don't want to hear of anyone going to motels trying to get room #214…) and proceeded to the bathroom. He opened the door, and his beautiful Elvish-eyes widened. His shapely jaw dropped. He was filled with a great terror…[to be continued]  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
What will Legolas find in the bathroom? Evil fangirls? Gimli's toiletries? *Gasp* A toilet that hasn't been sanitized for his protection? Oh no!  
  
Read on to find out! I promise the action will pick up, after somewhat of a slow start…they will soon be off on their new quest! 


	2. Towels and Shampoos and Bath Mats oh my!

Lord of the Merchandise: Chapter II  
  
He opened the door, and his beautiful Elvish-eyes widened. His shapely jaw dropped. He was filled with a great terror…  
  
Legolas stood face to face with *gasp* shamelessly tacky Lord of the Rings Merchandise! Aragorn the bath-towel! (How ironic…) Boromir the motel- sized soap! (Interesting…) Frodo the shower-curtain! Legolas shuddered. How was he supposed to take a shower in the morning with that uncanny likeness of Frodo staring at him? He turned around. Oh no! Samwise the bath mat! Pippin the shower-cap! He lifted it up rummaged in the dish of hair- supplies. Legolas stared, wide eyed, at what he saw…a little bottle of Legolas shampoo and conditioner in one! However, his little moment of "self- discovery" (hahaha) soon was cut short as the Elf uncovered Gimli the disposable razor! And it was accompanied by Gandalf the shaving cream!  
  
Poor Legolas' head was spinning. What was all this? Why was there suddenly a multitude of cheesy new products bearing the likenesses of him and his companions? And were these isolated to his motel room, or dared he think that perhaps they were beginning to spread throughout Middle Earth? He didn't want a bottle of crappy, generic shampoo/conditioner in his likeness! It would only encourage those writers…and all the guys would make fun of him…  
  
Legolas began to feel very sorry for himself and decided to do his little elvish business and then go back down to the "beach" to warn the guys about his discoveries. Imagine his shock when he was faced with *ack* Merry the sanitary, disposable toilet seat cover! The poor Elf-muffin ran screaming from the bathroom. "I refuse to treat Master Meriadoc in such an undignified manner!" he shouted, not thinking of the people in the adjoining rooms. Unfortunately, as he ran out of the bathroom he came face to face with Galadriel the hair-dryer. For a moment he felt a twinge of hurt that Galadriel had gotten the hairdryer, but soon recovered himself and began searching the rest of the room frantically, feverishly.  
  
Soon Legolas discovered that the bed had Fellowship sheets (a tad disturbing), Arwen pillows (well that would be interesting for Aragorn), a Theoden lampshade (eerie), and Eowyn and Faramir carpeting (that would also be interesting for Aragorn). He passed a mirror with a likeness of Elrond on one side. For a split second Legolas panicked, until he realized that no, he had not turned into Elrond. It was all he could take. He was glad there was no Sauron or Gollum or ringwraith merchandise, but then, he hadn't seen the complimentary Saruman nail-clippers.  
  
The poor shell-shocked Elf ran out of the room, down the corridor and out into the lobby. Mama Vanwe just looked at him, a half-smirk playing across her face. "What's gotten into you boy? You look so scared I'd a thought you'd just seen the Witch-King in your bathtub," she drawled, laughing dryly. Legolas shot her a haunted look, but made no rely.  
  
The Elf-muffin returned to the sunny spot of coarse sand where the rest of the Fellowship was attempting to enjoy their vacation, and was greeted by the scene of Merry applying sunscreen to Gimli's back with a towel protectively covering his hand. Frodo soon noticed Legolas' silent presence, exclaiming "Come over here Elf-boy, we were just about to play some go-fish!"  
  
"Alas!" cried Legolas, his fair elven face in great turmoil. "Alas!"  
  
"Dammit, Lego, don't you have any other words in your freakin' vocabulary besides 'alas!'" shouted Gandalf. After dealing with this certain small mannerism of Legolas' for the entire journey, he was getting somewhat tired of it.  
  
Legolas made no reply, and only motioned silently for them all to follow him up to their rooms…  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
Alas! Poor Legolas! He may have been traumatized for life! How will the Fellowship react? Tonight I'm planning on posting the next chapter, in which they begin their quest…again, I promise the action will pick up a bit; so far I have just been getting the premise down. Dare I beg for your reviews? 


	3. "I'm a freakin' toilet seat cover!"

Lord of the Merchandise: Chapter III  
  
Legolas made no reply, and only motioned silently for them all to follow him up to their rooms…  
  
The other members of the Fellowship looked at each other, shrugged silently, and rose to follow Legolas, a puzzled look on each of their faces. They entered the office, and were greeted by Mama Vanwe with a catty, "What are you boys doin' here?" Everyone but Legolas simply looked at her, shrugging their shoulders. Again she raised a stubbly eyebrow as they passed out of the room. "Not real big talkers are ya'?" she called after them.  
  
When they reached room #214 Legolas slowly unlocked the door and silently motioned for them to enter. "Why don't you have a look around, " he suggested. "There's some dark sorcery at work here, I fear."  
  
"Oh, come off it, Legsie. You're on vacation! You need to learn to relax once in a while!" said Merry, kicking off his shoes and jumping onto the bed. He didn't realize any of the merchandise, seeing as he had purchased a new pair of designer sunglasses that he thought were very cool, and refused to take them off inside, even though he couldn't really see. "Mind if I use your bathroom, Lego-man?"  
  
Legolas shot him a grave look. "Go ahead, Master Hobbit."  
  
"Oh, come on man! Dude, that 'Master Somebody' thing is so lame," Merry teased as he headed into the bathroom. Legolas just smirked at him as the Hobbit closed the bathroom door behind him. The others had begun to look around the room, wide-eyed. Legolas held his breath…  
  
"HOLY ****NG**S**T!" Merry exclaimed from the bathroom. The door flew open and out ran the good Hobbit, his pants around his ankles as he brandished the disposable toilet seat cover emblazoned with his image. "I'm a freakin' toilet seat cover! And a disposable one!" Poor Merry looked terribly shocked. He no longer wore his very fashionable designer sunglasses.  
  
"Alas!" replied Legolas, ignoring the dark look he received from Gandalf. "Each of us has is pictured on a cheap tacky product. What dark work is afoot here, I would like to know?"  
  
"I have feared this for some time," said Aragorn darkly from a corner where he sat hunched over, gazing at Arwen the pillow. "I fear the rise of some new evil, one that Middle Earth has never before had to face. I do not yet know if the rumors are true, but this is ill news. We can tarry here no longer. There is only one place where we may now be able to confirm this growing threat. We will leave in the morning."  
  
"Aragoooorn," whined Frodo, "we're supposed to be on vacation! We've had enough saving the world for many lifetimes…"  
  
"Perhaps the son of Arathorn speaks the truth," said Legolas grimly. "Look in the bathroom. Perhaps it is not evil in itself, but I too have heard the rumors, and this seems an ill omen."  
  
After seeing the merchandise that adorned the main room, the rest of the Fellowship wasn't terribly concerned, but Legolas insisted on going to have a look in the bathroom.  
  
"Honestly Lego, if someone wants to put us on a lampshade, I really don't see the harm in it," said Pippin. "Think of it as flattery…we're quite famous, I suppose!"  
  
"Hm," grunted Legolas.  
  
"I'm a bath towel?!?!" shouted Aragorn. "I thought that this great Darkness could at least put me on something cool!"  
  
Gandalf snickered. "Guess they wanted you to take a hint," he replied, his eyes twinkling under extremely bushy and wild eyebrows.  
  
"Oy, Gandalf, you're a shaving cream!" yelled Sam, laughing as he tossed the Wizard a bottle bearing his likeness. "And get a load o' this, guys! Gimli's a disposable razor!" The Fellowship snickered. Legolas suggested cheekily that perhaps Gimli could use it on his back.  
  
The Fellowship spent the next several minutes discovering all the tacky crap that their lovely faces were now imprinted on. For the most part, each was secretly pleased with their respective product, not seeing how this could amount to some great evil. After all, shower caps and little bars of soap weren't exactly an evil Ring of Power. It all seemed harmless. A little shocking, perhaps, but it didn't seem as if another great Darkness was in danger of overtaking the land. Pippin had donned his shower cap and was spraying Merry with Gandalf the shaving cream. Merry was attempting to ward off the foam with Aragorn the towel, wearing Merry the toilet seat cover around his neck.  
  
"Enough!" shouted Aragorn. He was in a sour mood, and would not tolerate any more of the Hobbits' foolishness. "I suggest you all get some rest while you can. We will leave very early tomorrow morning."  
  
"Party pooper," mumbled Pippin in a voice Aragorn couldn't hear.  
  
"I heard that," said Legolas, who could hear everything, so there wasn't even any use in trying to say anything secret around him.  
  
"Oh, shit," said Frodo. "Just what I needed, another mighty and dangerous quest…"  
  
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++  
  
ARGGHH! This is still boring…but please stay tuned, because next they are going to discover the true evil, and find the action figures and stuff. I have a quote I've been waiting patiently to use…Finally I have set up the premise so it can get moving. (I mean it this time! Really!)  
  
REVIEW?!?!? Please, if you want to save me sanity! Otherwise I will have to force my poor little brother into writing more reviews pretending to be someone else! Oh, the pathetic-ness….lol. 


End file.
